24 Hilarious Jokes From Some of the Best Comedians of All Time

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24 Hilarious Jokes From Some of the Best Comedians of All Time

We’ve been very into the Reddit jokes lately, but we think it’s time to let the pros show you how it’s done. So hey, if you’re a huge comedy fan but you haven’t yet been able to visit The Cellar or The Comedy Store, you can crack a beer, find the smallest, wonkiest table imaginable and pretend you’re there.

You won’t have to get dressed or pay $20 for that beer, and you can heckle these all you want without fear of retaliation!

Taylor Tomlinson

I think I'm pretty cute, but in an accessible way, like when you see a shower curtain at Target, like I can afford that.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

Richard Lewis

I'm paranoid about everything in my life. Even at home on my stationary bike, I have a rearview mirror.

Bob Hope

BOB HOPE A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands me a flyer on the street, it's like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away.'

Wendy Liebman

Money talks and it says, 'You don't have any.' WENDY LIEBMAN

Aparna Nancherla

If you have weed in your system, there's по telling what you're incapable of doing.

Emo Philips

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

Demetri Martin

Employee of the Month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Jim Gaffigan

There's pressure to enjoy summer, right? It's almost a panic. Go out there and have fun; winter is coming to kill us!

Zach Galifianakis

I called a temp agency once. They were like, 'Do you have any phone skills?' I was like, 'I called you, didn't I? ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

Mark Normand

The hot dog is the perfect symbol for America - it's enjoyable, but the more you look into how it was made, the less you wanna know. MARK NORMAND

Natasha Leggero

My friends who have babies can't do anything. You can't go out at night. Having a baby is like getting a DUI from the universe.

Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.

Kristen Schaal

I killed a genie to get this jacket. It's only after I cut the jacket off the genie's dead body that I realized I could've simply wished for it. Ugh, should have wished for hindsight.

George Carlin

There are some things you don't want to hear. You don't want to come home from work and hear, Honey, remember how we told the children never to play on the railroad tracks?

Chris Redd

All this talk about the debt ceiling and climate change, but nobody talks about the fact that nobody in here knows one person who drives or operates a blimp.

Norm Macdonald

How did go from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building, to being so funny that I'm now hosting the show?

Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

George Carlin

It's called the American Dream because you need to be asleep to believe it.

Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

Bill Burr

Why the hell do people keep getting married? If you were going skydiving, and they told you half the parachutes weren't gonna open, you'd be like, I'm not going! I don't like those odds.

Patton Oswalt

Not only are buffets gonna come back, they're gonna come back with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance. Every one of them's gonna have an agenda.

Brian Regan

It all went wrong the day they started the spelling bee. Up until that day, I was an idiot, but no one else knew. Alright, kids, up against the wall! It's time for public humiliation!

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